I have a few stresses going on in my life right now. Stresses I am trying really hard to handle with my best poker face and making it appear that I am on top of things. I have yet to break down, yell, kick, cry. I just keep going, even though I am exhausted physically and mentally from trying to deal with it all, while being everyone's shoulder to cry on.
Currently my grandmother, the only grandmother I have ever had, is sick.
She has been sick for many years, but despite the Dr.'s prognosis of maybe a year to live she has held on for 4. Last week she made another trip to the hospital. These trips have come and gone over the years, and I said to my husband after visiting her this time "I just don't know anymore. I don't know how sick she is, if this is it, or if we have a few years left. I just can't judge it anymore."
Through all these trips I have remained the calm, level headed one that everyone talks to and cries to. I am the one calling and giving other people news, and trying to stay calm, and sound level headed and relaxed.
Inside I am falling apart, because for the first time in 4 years I am seeing a woman who is tired of fighting for every day. So now I live in fear every time the phone rings.
The only person who has seen me break down is my husband, because to everyone else, I am fine. And even when it happens around him, in my head I think "You don't have time for this, you have a million things you need to do." So I suck it up and keep going.
During this time I have been so unbelievably grateful for my escape. For the girls in my life that make me laugh, and push me hard. This helps me take a little time to get out of my head and take all my pent up feelings and find a release. For 6 hours a week I am not waiting for a phone call. I am not someones listening post. I am just another girl on the track that the coach is secretly trying to kill.
A very common saying is Roller Derby Saved my Soul.
Well at this moment, in this place at this time, it is saving mine.
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